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My Reason

Post by Emma on Sun 03 Sep 2017, 3:35 am

Hello, my friends.. I want to apologize.. ;-; When I returned from my absence, I neglected to mention a major reason for it.

Early this year.. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. When my mom found out, she went into her overprotective mode and would not let me have alone time.. because she was afraid of what I would do if I did have this alone time. She also pushed my dad into enforcing stricter rules at his house.. consequently, I was not allowed alone time for quite a while. Hence the period of time when I was absent. During that time, I started seeing a counselor, but.. I really missed you guys. ;-;

The day I returned was the week my mom decided maybe I could have a little more freedom to do things. The first thing I did when I returned to my dad's was to return to Miiverse to see all of you again. I was so happy, I was crying.. ;w; However.. I did not want to mention the reason for my absence.. I did not want any of you to worry about me.. I didn't want to make my return all about me, when all I want to do is focus on all of you, my dear friends. <3 And, in the end.. I was scared to tell you. ;-; So, I was deliberately vague about the reasons for my unexplained silence. Part of it was indeed school, but most of it was the depression and subsequent watchfulness of my parents. My parents and step-parents do not like the idea of online friends, so I did not want them to discover you, and me lose you forever. So while they were being so watchful, I did not try to access Miiverse or multiplayer versions of games, in case they would discover it.

It has been amazing to be back at last. <3 Yes, I am still struggling. I struggle every day with bad thoughts and sadness. But, your presence helps me. You all are blessings that have helped me through some of my worst moments, even when I didn't tell you.. and I would like to thank you all so, so much for that.. ;-;

However.. this Friday, my mom discovered the bad things I have been doing because of my depression.. she discovered that I had been hurting myself, and that I had been refusing to eat, or.. getting rid of what I did eat by.. bringing it back up again. She has been calling me every few hours since then, checking on me. She has told my dad to be more watchful so I don't.. do anything again. Friday night, she made me call a crisis hotline to see if I need to visit my counselor sooner than this coming Tuesday. The woman who answered when I called asked me questions, then conferred with her supervisor, then with my dad, and then with my mom.. and now, I don't know what is going to happen next..

My mom told me that things are going to change, whether I like the changes or not. So.. I don't know how things are going to change after Tuesday. My dad has already told me to spend more time outside of my room during the day, and to eat dinner downstairs with them, so that I have less of a chance to do anything.. I am hoping that will be the extent of the changes. However.. I really, really do not know what is going to happen after this weekend.. and I am scared. ;-; I just hope I won't have to take another absence, and that not too many things will change..

Regardless, I would like to thank you all again for everything you have done for me, my amazingly precious friends.. <3 ..and I would like to apologize for keeping this a secret.. It was really hard to type it out.. but you deserve to know. ;-;
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Re: My Reason

Post by peachie-bunbun on Sun 03 Sep 2017, 5:48 am

Oh no.. do not apologize Emma, I know this must of been very hard to write and it is personal. I too suffer from major depression disorder it has fortunately toned down in the past year due to medication, counseling, and meeting wonderful friends. I'm happy that you have sought out help that is a brave of you and a good first step. I am very sorry we have not spoken in so long.. : - : I really been wanting to change that and meet up just like the very bright days of last summer.. but I hope you know even if I might not be with you that I believe in you! You can overcome these terrible feelings, you have more strength than you think you do. You cannot give up, I know I am not the only one who believes in you! Your family is being so protective, because they love you and would be devastated if something horrible happened to you. I would be... and I know many others would be. If you would stop now, you will just stop the possibilities of anything getting better.
Your brave enough to reach out for help, and like this now you got to be brave enough to live. Knowing there will be bad days, an awful year maybe, but seeing yourself in a better place and hey even getting to meet the friends you always wanted!
Your parents about internet friends sound like mine, they were just so closed minded and believed that everyone in the internet has bad intentions. I appreciate them for being protective, but upset at them for seeing everything black and white. A day came when I did have to tell them, they were not happy about it. They knew the truth at least and overtime they were easing to the idea, even asking me sometimes how these friends are. As you know I've met with Zeldy, which means my family did come around. Maybe all your parents would need is time as well. However that decision is up to you, I was just sharing because maybe if you did decide to, it could give you support and hope.
I wish you the best Emma, and you will be in my prayers! <3
Never forget you are never truly alone , cause I'll be there someway somehow that is what Bein Friends is about
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Re: My Reason

Post by Guy on Sun 03 Sep 2017, 8:06 am

Yeah it was brave to make a detailed post here, like this. Especially when you told us the other night. Jack and I kind of assumed, but it's very brave of you to get that off your chest. Keeping emotions bottled does no one any good and only will do you more harm.

I can't make a really long post, because I have somewhere to be soon and immediately...but as Jenni said you're never alone. You have your family and your friends. You're never alone. When company is expected, you're well protected...wait, don't use that line.

Just be sure to keep in touch when you can. This is a safe little retreat for us all, so just head on over here whenever you want to discuss something fun or need help, to organize a game meet-up...or whatever! I can't say I've ever been diagnosed with anything as severe as what you all mentioned, but everyone has their problems and hurdles they have to overcome, but no one has to do them alone.

Try to enjoy your Sunday you all!
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Re: My Reason

Post by Emma on Sun 03 Sep 2017, 9:35 am

Thank you Jenni.. I'm sorry to have worried you and I'm sorry you have gone through it too.. ;-; You are very strong and brave yourself, to share your story with me too, and to have received the help and support you've needed. I really appreciate the kind words and support you have shown me, especially now. ;-; Even if you are better than you were, I know you are still battling it yourself, and I want you to know that I am always here for you and always happy to talk and/or listen if you need someone.. and I am just here regardless. <3

I don't think I can tell my family.. probably not for a long time, if ever. ;-; The stakes are too high, I don't know what I would do if I lost you guys. >.< I am glad it turned out okay for you and maybe someday, hopefully, if I am able to tell, it will go the same way.. but for now, I can't. ;-;

Thank you to you too, Joe.. It did feel nice, to finally tell.. and it was because of working up the courage to tell you and Jack that I was able to do it on here too.. >.< Please don't feel bad for the length of the post, it is the content that matters and thank you for being so kind and supportive as well, it really means a lot. ;-;

I will definitely try my best to come on here every weekend.. I am hoping the changes that are about to happen aren't going to affect that.. You are right in that no one has to face them alone, diagnosis or not, and I am here if you need me too. And I hope you enjoy your Sunday too, and that everyone else does. <3
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Re: My Reason

Post by ST4NCE on Sun 03 Sep 2017, 1:02 pm

As the others said, it was very valorous and brave of you to share the real reason of your absence here. I had a feeling something had happen during a long absence.. but you needn't be sorry at all Emma. You are not guilty of anything, it was very considerate of you to spare us from worry but as the friends we are, we tend to worry about one another because we care about each other. I speak for everyone here when I say that we care about you lots!
I am just really glad that you are safe and sound, and present with all of us.. As Jenni said, I couldn't image what would happen to me and all of us if you are gone.. You mean a lot to us and we certainly shared a lot of happy memories all together. We want you to be a happy and healthy friend. I guess I never told anyone ever before that I too had dark thoughts a while back. My parents had always been the tough type that never shared feelings to anyone and I guess it kinda loomed onto me. But as years went by I didn't want to live in a gloom everyday, and from then on I started to see life in the bright side of things. Like the endless possibilities the future has in store. No matter how bad today can be, tomorrow will certainly get better, just like a rainbow after a bad rainstorm.
I am much more open than I used to be but sometimes I unconsciously try to hide feelings like wearing a mask. It is something I am sometimes struggling with but I know that I will certainly improve given time.
I guess I shared my side of a story too, but like Jenni said, hopefully it will help inspire hope. ^^ You're never alone in this and we have your back. No matter how many times you get knocked down, just know that we will be the ones to help pick you back up.
I do wish you have a relaxing weekend and when you do go away for a bit, know that we are here always for you, no matter how far away you are.
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Re: My Reason

Post by peachie-bunbun on Sun 03 Sep 2017, 2:34 pm

You have nothing to apologize for, it is a natural tendency of mine especially when it comes to people I care about.. I should be apologizing, I'm sorry for not being a better friend to you. I hope when we meet up again I can really change that!

Aww Emma.. thankyou Q - Q
Thankyou for your support and friendship, and being one of the people to show me what being a kind and understanding person is about.

Oh and I understand, I hope someday that it won't be an issue for you. I certainly have faith it that it will work out in the end! ^-^
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Re: My Reason

Post by Zeldyhare on Sun 03 Sep 2017, 3:08 pm

I want to say, first off.. you don't need to apologize because you did nothing wrong! Things happen and especially in this, you needn't feel bad at all.. I myself am sorry I hadn't been on much this year in AC or anything, and I hope you can forgive me..

Just like the others said.. I hope you know you're never alone. I'm so sorry to hear that this has been plaguing you so much.. I myself have anxiety and so I know how it can be to randomly have feelings and fears even.
It's good that you've been getting help and a councellour, I used to have them myself and I know it can be helpful when you have an outlet to let our your feelings and inner plagues, because as others have said here it shows inner strength getting help itself, trust me when I say it's hard to do but worth it for your sake!

Please always try your hardest to do what is good for you, your health, your wellbeing! As others said I would feel awful if something happened to you.. your family cares very much for you that's why these things happen, I know it seems scary but the future will come and you'll embrace it like the wind, it may seem harshly blowing at first but you'll find your footing! Life can be difficult, but always there is hope and you're not alone in facing it!
I know you said you were having doubts of your family understanding but someday, maybe you can! Like Jenni said I actually got to stay with her when only a year ago her parents were very cautious about it all. Even my mom had doubts in the very beginning, but over time warmed up especially knowing I had supporting friends here that were a positive thing in my life! its no pressure at all cause I understand your fears, but someday who knows, anything could happen!

I as well hope the very best, you're in my prayers and I wish you a wonderful day! ^^
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Re: My Reason

Post by Hikarichi the Ghost on Sun 03 Sep 2017, 6:48 pm

Stay strong, Emma. Life has its tough moments, but that can make you strong. I try to cheer up people. I'm shy and introvert, anxiety hits me in bad moments. But everything will be all right if you have faith. I'm just an ordinary person but I like to be supportive. Not all dark moments last forever, trust me. Stay awesome, because I think you are cool and nice.
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Re: My Reason

Post by Guy on Sun 03 Sep 2017, 7:29 pm

Yeah we all have rough times, some stronger then others. I had one most of last year and there was a really big one a few years back.

One of the jobs I had before just really sucked the life out of me. Of course it wasn't the only thing that was the source of the problem, but it sure didn't help. It was just a vicious cycle. Waking up at ridiculous hours in the morning, traveling just about anywhere, and be mentored under the most miserable man I had ever met. He was just downright miserable and to everyone else. He always flew off the handle at the smallest of things. Tools went everywhere, things broke...think like if Tasmanian devil entered a room, spouting nonsense, and tearing everything up.

Another job was just like this one, but I still have that one. It was making me miserable to however. Something eventually had to give and I found myself just not caring anymore. But I used that 'not care attitude' to my benefit.

Just keep at it Emma and anyone else who may be under trying times.
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Re: My Reason

Post by Emma on Mon 04 Sep 2017, 9:07 am

Thank you, Stance.. It really does mean a lot to hear you say that.. whenever I get the bad thoughts, I try to think of you guys, and it usually helps me through.. ;w; I care about all of you so much as well. <3

You are very brave to tell us about your own struggles, I am glad they have gotten better for you and hopefully the trend will continue, and we will be here supporting you the entire time. <3

During the week, away from here.. it does sometimes get rather hard. But, I draw, I think of you guys, I sing, I read.. I try my best to occupy my thoughts away from the bad side of things. Thank you so much again, you and everyone else, I am here for all of you too and we can all make it through together.. <3 I hope you had a nice, relaxing weekend as well, and I will see you again next weekend.. ;w;

Jenni, you definitely do not need to apologize for anything. <3 You have been and will always be my fantastic friend, thinking of you and everyone else has helped me get through some pretty tough moments.. please do not feel bad, you have no reason to. ;w; I am looking forward to our next fun time though, it'll be a blast. Very Happy

I think you have always been kind and understanding, you are just a very goodhearted person. Smile That is what friends do.. they support each other, they help each other, they bring out the best in each other.. and all of you have done these things for me, how could I not repay it? We are all together, we can get through it all together.. if we all bear the weight together it will be easier for all of us. <3 Thank you again for, just.. everything. ;w;

You needn't apologize at all either, Zeldy.. Everyone gets understandably busy sometimes, you really are alright. <3 I hope you have been well. ;w;

I really, truly appreciate your kindness and generosity and just goodheartedness, it really helps during rough times.. like tonight I will admit I have been having a tough time, but reading yours and everyone else's replies warms my heart, thank you so much.. <3

You are very strong to be able to face yours as you do, and I hope that I can be here for you as much as you are here for me.. <3 It is rather scary to talk to my counselor, and I had been keeping things from her in my hesitance, such as the.. self-harm, so now that everyone knows I will have to tell her, and I am hoping she will have solutions.. My next appointment is this coming Tuesday, I can't help but worry.. Sad I really appreciate it though, thank you.. <3

I promise I will try.. >.< Having you guys here really helps, without you I am not sure where I would be.. you guys are my anchor, my balloon.. and truly precious to me. ;w; I am definitely glad I do not have to face it alone.. and none of you have to with your own struggles either. <3

I may someday be able to tell.. just not yet. >.< I really hope it would go well, but my mom is suspicious of everyone online and very protective.. but maybe someday I will work up the courage to try.. I am glad things worked out so well for you two though. <3 Thank you again Zeldy, I also hope you had a wonderful day and I will see you next weekend.. ;w;

Thank you as well, Hikarichi.. <3 You are far too kind to me, I really appreciate it.. ;w; I hope you know that you do not have to face it alone either, as long as we all have each other things will turn out okay. Smile

I am so sorry you had to deal with that, Joe.. Sad *hugs* I am glad you were able to get yourself out of that situation, and I hope things will continue to improve. The severity of the issue does not affect the amount of importance.. >.< I hope you will be able to keep on as well, we are all supporting you and here for you. I hope you have a wonderful week and I will see you next weekend, Hammer Bro. <3

Thank you again to everyone for all of the kindness and support and friendship, it really and truly means so, so much to me.. ;w; I am really worried about facing my mom again after she discovered everything on Friday.. and for my counseling appointment on Tuesday, I hope there will not be many changes to my availability to be online.. >.< Regardless, we can get through this together.. ;w; *group huggles* I will see all of you next weekend, goodbye and take care, please. <3
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Re: My Reason

Post by Pk Tiger on Mon 04 Sep 2017, 9:17 pm

It is alright Emma no need to apologize! I am kind of unsure what to say because I have not encountered a situation like this and everyone else said a lot of stuff I might have ended up staying. Anyway I hope things go well I believe in you and make sure to make good decisions, even if it is the harder way!

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Re: My Reason

Post by Emma on Fri 08 Sep 2017, 3:48 pm

Thanks Jack! <3 It really means a lot, and the video you posted here is adorable and precious.. Thank you for being such a great friend and for all of the support and good wishes you have shared so generously with me.. ;w;

The good news is I am still able to access this forum and everything else.. I have to start taking medicine and enter a program and be watched carefully, but thankfully I can still talk to all of you.. <3 I hope you all had great weeks, I'm glad to be back!!
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Re: My Reason

Post by Guy on Fri 08 Sep 2017, 9:10 pm

Welcome back Emma! And yeah, that animation is great Jack. I saw it a while back and forgot about it until you posted it. Hopefully you enjoy your weekend, hopefully you all do!

It'd be cool if we all could get together or see who can this weekend and have some New Leaf or Smash shenanigans. Of course, that's a what if. Take care you all!
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Re: My Reason

Post by Emma on Fri 08 Sep 2017, 10:17 pm

Thank you Joe!! Very Happy I hope you and everyone else enjoys their weekends too, and a night of fun and games sounds fun, I'll try to be on at least sometime this weekend.. ;w; I hope you're doing well, take care. <3
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Re: My Reason

Post by peachie-bunbun on Sat 09 Sep 2017, 4:46 pm

That is a relief.. I have hope that things will get better here on out.

Thankyou Emma it has been relaxing fortunately, and finally can be here more after a week of school u . u
I hope the weekened is treating you kindly! ^ u ^
Oh gosh I would love to play ACNL this weekend, I would try my best to make time for it..
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Re: My Reason

Post by Zeldyhare on Sat 09 Sep 2017, 6:18 pm

Goodness gracious, that's lovely to hear that it wasn't as bad as you'd feared, I've learned over the years it's usually like that and it's relieving usually to get something over with, I'm sure it'll only be better from here. ^^

And at some point hopefully in the future someday I'd love to play AC if I'd have time too, it's been too long.. VvV

I hope you've been relaxing, all of you, with school and such it can be a hassle, but it's all worth it when you get to finally sit down. ^v^
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Re: My Reason

Post by Emma on Sun 10 Sep 2017, 6:33 pm

I'm sorry I wasn't able to play this weekend, guys, everything has been really hectic. >.< I hope you all had a great weekend, I miss playing with you guys and hopefully soon we can. <3
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Re: My Reason

Post by Guy on Fri 15 Sep 2017, 9:10 pm

It's fine Emma, there's always the next week. I kind of really got sidetracked last weekend working on a lofty project, so there wasn't a meetup anyway. Or not that I was aware of.

Take care!
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Re: My Reason

Post by Emma on Sun 17 Sep 2017, 3:50 am

I'm still quite sorry, and sorry for this weekend too because it has been a busy one. D: I hope everyone has had a good weekend so far and will have a good Sunday too, and is doing well. <3
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